Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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