Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
