I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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