I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
