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im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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