just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
