my text book just quoted the cookie monster
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
