yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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