So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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