The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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