The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
