Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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