yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
