so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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