it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
