I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I could have mohawked her pubes.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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