never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
