i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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