the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
