just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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