True but thats because hes a fetus.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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