Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
