This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
