My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
