I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
