I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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