My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
