I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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