Pants 0. Shit 1.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
