Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
