I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize