just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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