I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
