I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
