Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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