Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize