cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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