So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
