God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Success! We fucked roommates!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
