I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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