remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
