the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
