it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she smelled like a LAN party
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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