Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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