totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
