She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
