I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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