ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I want is dick and wine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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