My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
