if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
