Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
