He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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