It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
