apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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