I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
