We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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