that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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