He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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