covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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