Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
